By Destin Michael. Destin serves as a content writer for a marketing agency in St. Louis, Missouri. He also provides leadership to a microchurch in the Canvas Network, along with helping facilitate the local Revoice chapter (a space for sexual minorities to experience Christian fellowship).
"Whoever told you that you were supposed to get married?"
The words jolted me awake. In my dream, Jesus had gotten in my face, speaking loud and clear. It was the first time He had ever visibly appeared to me in my sleep, despite years of having many spiritual dreams.
My immediate response was to protest: "Get behind me, Satan!" I couldn't fathom that it might actually be Jesus Himself who was speaking, trying to confront a lie I was intent on living…
Living in Denial of Reality
Before that dream, I was a closeted gay twenty-something deeply entrenched in the type of Charismatic churches that taught you to “fake it till you make it.” I was determined to "name it and claim it" that I was straight. Someone might suspect that I was gay and ask me about it, and my response would simply be "I am attracted to women." It was a bald-faced lie, but it was also the only answer I thought was acceptable for a faith-filled Christian man to give. I was committed to saying it until it manifested as my lived experience.
After years of trying, nothing changed. Before I gave up on striving to make it happen, I made one more attempt...
I had a female friend who I was very close with. She had an amazing sense of humor. I appreciated the attention she gave me. She had a beautiful relationship with Jesus. So, I tried pursuing her. I expected romantic or physical chemistry to blossom if I could just stick with the process long enough. The entire time though, I felt like a phony. I knew I was leading her on. I felt like an actor as I tried to do all the right things to convince myself, her, and the world around us that I could be interested in her in the same way I was secretly attracted to guys.
This was the closest I had ever come to finding a woman I might want to spend the rest of my life with. It was all I could envision a benevolent God might want for me. Yet I knew deep down things weren’t working the way I thought they should be.
Reaching a Turning Point
Months after that startling dream where Jesus appeared to me, I broke off my relationship with the woman I was dating. I offered her little helpful explanation in the process. She was amazing, but I felt like I was hitting an internal wall, and it wasn’t sustainable. A year or two later, it started to become abundantly clear that I could not continue living in denial about my orientation. I was attracted to men, and not just in a lustful way.
Around that time, I had come to care deeply for a bisexual man in my workplace. It unsettled me that I could carry so much sincere love in my heart for him. It was more than the mere physical desire I was used to... I sensed Christ's own affection for him in a profound way. I was invested in seeing him grow spiritually. I wanted to make sacrifices for him. For the first time in my life, I could even imagine myself developing a more romantic connection with another man.
Nothing developed between this guy and me, but the situation forced me to confront reality. I could no longer run from the fact that I was wired very differently than other men. I had to figure out what to do with that information.
Stumbling into Celibacy
I began to study more seriously what Scripture and the Church teach about sexual ethics, marriage, deliverance, identity, and related topics. I put many hours into exploring a range of progressive and traditional viewpoints on sexual orientationand its expression. Eventually, the Spirit directed me into what's known as the "Side B" movement – a community of queer Christians who hold a high value for resisting self-repression while seeking to live in joyful surrender to Christ's leadership.
Through this season, I was starting to become more integrated and more free from shame. I was also slowly but surely coming to terms with the notion that I might end up living as an openly gay man... practicing a life of celibacy.
If you had asked me in my early 20s if a life without marital and sexual bliss would ever be in the cards for my future, I would have absolutely scoffed at such an idea! Yet here I was, now a single man in my 30s, learning to (very imperfectly) walk out celibacy – while still trying to wrap my head around it.
Trying to Explain the Concept
For a few years, I explained it to people this way: "I never heard God give me a personal 'calling' to celibacy. I don't have a special supernatural 'gift' that makes it easier. I never made some solemn 'vow.' And there are no Bible verses that directly spell out, 'This is how you are to live your life if you happen to be same-sex attracted...' There are simply several scriptures telling us what to avoid, and an abundance of others describing what God's vision for marriage is (entailing opposite-sex, procreative unions)."
"I am pretty convinced theologically that we can't reinterpret all of this to fit our own liking," I would say, "in the same way I can't change the Bible to make it give me a green light when I want to hate on my enemies. I already know from experience that God is trustworthy, and His counsel brings both earthly and eternal benefits. So I feel like I have simply deduced that celibacy is probably going to be the best option for me."
Then I would add, "It's like I've been on this road, and it eventually came to a dead end. I have nowhere else to go, but I am going to make the best out of it. I will use the time on my hands to bless others. Maybe I will plant a garden here, build a home, and invite some people to join me in making something beautiful out of this little dead end. Whatever it looks like, I am resolved not to waste my life."
Carving a New Path Forward
Years later, I was talking to my spiritual director about this dead end imagery and how descriptive it feels of my situation. He stopped me. "Hmm... I get the sense the Holy Spirit might have something to speak to you about that." He gave me the assignment to go home and picture my little dead end scenario, asking Jesus to come onto the scene. I was invited to see what He says, what He does. I’d see if He agrees with my own assessment of my predicament.
That night, I pictured the road's dead end in my mind. That was all too easy. It was exactly what my life felt like. I imagined a paved roundabout, with nowhere to go forward but into a thick wall of trees. Seeing it clearly, I invited Jesus to meet me there.
I became aware of Him, standing next to me. I was grateful for His ever available and reassuring Presence. Together, we began to walk beyond the dead end. We were leaving the paved road behind us, venturing straight ahead into the dark forest. Then Christ opened His mouth and said (with so much expectation), "Can you just imagine all we will have accomplished here together in the next 20 years?"
Suddenly, the scene shifted to the future. I saw a well-developed dirt path leading from the pavement of the road into the woods. The dirt path continued and split off into trails in many directions. The forest was still lush with untamed flora, but now there were also campsites, hammocks, and cabins all over the place. People were all about, building community together in little groups spread throughout the forest. Some were having private, refreshing personal retreats. Individuals came to live in the forest with their loved ones, while others just visited temporarily – seeking to pull away from the busyness of the outside world. Everyone was connecting intimately with God, with each other and with their own hearts.
Jesus and I had carved this path, inviting others to find a variety of unconventional ways to live a more quiet, prayerful and relationally fulfilled life. We had established a "wilderness monastery" of sorts together.
All of this was the perfect imagery to bring clarity to different aspects of the ministry vision God had already been developing in my heart. It couldn't have been more poignant.
Resting in His Pastures
This encounter was just one of many turning-points I've had with the Lord. He's been reliable to continually change my expectations for my future, while simultaneously giving me new hopes and dreams for what is ahead. I'm more convinced every day that He has great things in store for each of us.
Our Good Shepherd will not deprive us. He is committed to our flourishing (see John 10:10, Romans 8:32, John 1:16, Colossians 2:10, 2 Peter 1:3). He always offers abiding rest in His “green pastures” (Psalm 23). And He has included us in His purposeful plans to create a place for others (from all backgrounds) to thrive in this wild world we have been given.
At this point, I can honestly say I have no trouble picturing myself in my old age living as a celibate person––and enjoying it! I can imagine myself continuing to invest in deep, healthy attachments far and wide, helping build Christ's family, making disciples, and loving my nephews as they grow up. These things already make life so rich for me, despite its challenges.
Being close friends with a lot of married couples as well, it’d be hard to convince me that my path is either dramatically better or more sorrowful than the one many of them are on. As Sam Allberry writes in his excellent book, Seven Myths About Singleness,
“I’ve seen enough marriages sufficiently to know that it is not all a stroll in the park. Couples do not live ‘happily ever after’ once they’ve said their vows. It helps singles to see a realistic image of what life is often like on the other side of the fence.”
Truly, the grass is not greener for any of us!
Trusting in His Faithfulness
We are all in this wrestle together. We all face major disappointments. We all have to adjust our plans. And we all have a faithful Father who is more committed to our well-being than we could ever possibly know.
We are not stuck.
We are not limited by a dead end.
There is much possibility lying ahead for us, if only we have the eyes to see it.
Through every twist and turn ahead, may we each learn to confidently declare the assuring truths of Psalm 16:
“Lord, You are my portion
and my cup of blessing;
You hold my future.The boundary lines have fallen for me
in pleasant places;
Indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.I will bless the Lord who counsels me—
even at night when my thoughts trouble me.“I always let the Lord guide me.
Because He is at my right hand,
I will not be shaken.
“Therefore my heart is glad
and everything in me rejoices;
my whole being rests securely.
For You will not abandon me among the dead.
You will not allow your faithful one to see decay.
You reveal the path of life to me;
in Your Presence is abundant joy;
And at Your right hand are eternal pleasures.”
Amen.